Have Faith

Or at least, that's what they say.

Like I briefly mentioned in last night's post, I am very hesitant when it comes to my religion. I was born and raised a Catholic(not on a playground, where some of you might have thought if you're catching my humor here), and my parents started taking me to regular weekly masses.

I've never payed any attention, except for a few select times when the topic was particularly intruiging and whatnot, but I found it difficult to devoulty listen to the Father preach to me ideas that I either didn't care about or I didn't believe in.

When I was enrolled in classes after to school for confession and communion, I was a bright student who always filled up the back of my index card with Good Job stickers. I learned the material, but was there any passion behind what I absorbed?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not showing any disrespect to the religion or any of it's followers, a d especially not to their holy figures like the Virgin Mary, Jesus, or God. I would never. I have the utmost respect and even a little fear for their power, because I have always had no doubts that they truly exist/ed.

But my issue here is that all my life I have been devoted to Catholicism, but I cannot honestly say that I am happy this way. It gives me no sense of inner peace or discipline. For the past few years after realizing this, I have tried to convince myself that I am just confused and that over time, I will accept my faith and be a pious individual. However, that feeling has yet to arrive. I even wore religious jewelry to publicly prove my devotion, and I went through a period where I recited daily the prayers of the Rosary.

But now that I'm just beginning to search for who I truly am, I am positive that having a solid faith in something is a pillar that I cannot deprive myself of, for it may be the only support I'll have at one point. Which is why I have been seriously contemplating beig a Catholic and whether I feel strongly enough in sacrificing myself to its laws.

Recently, I have been studying Buddhism and have discovered that naturally, I have believed many of the ideas and concepts that it highlights. Reincarnation, nirvana, and karma being the three main ones that often come to mind. I checked out a few books from the library on various Buddhist topics, including the history, the reality, the laws, the spiritual journey, and all that being a Buddhist entails.

But here's a quick side note that is constantly percolating around in the back of my mind. As a fourteen year old, am I even mature enough to decide what religion I belong to? Sure, I'm old enough to have opinions and back them up, but having a faith is generally a life long sensation that doesn't change too often. So here's the whole point I'm trying to convey, what faith do I have, where I am going with my faith, is Buddhism the religion for me or is it just the current trend, and how mature am I to make these decisions on my own?

Just a thought.

Elley.