Dreams

They only lead to you waking up, to feeling disappoint settle in.

My teeth were giving me a nonstop, pounding pain almost all night long, and I found myself still awake past three in the morning. I turned to Chang Pablo(my ipod touch) as a distraction, where I downloaded over twenty episodes of the best podcast known to mankind, specifically Gleeks, called

Gleeful.

About forty minutes of three hosts sharing their opinions about everything glee for each episode. The actors, the music selections, the subtle jokes that not everyone will hear the first time around. "Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker". <3>

Anywho, this isn't about Gleeful, this about dreams. Uh oh flip. What just happened. I completely forgot what I was supposed to be blogging about. Just great. JUST GREAT. I refuse to let this post go to waste. And great, even more beautiful, mom just called me in for breakfast. Fine, off I go. I'll post again later if I remember. I hope you're happy, Gleeful, for dazzling me with your magical powers and rendering me with severe memory loss.

:/

Early Evening Walk

My mom and I took a walk around the botanical garden with my friend Casey and her mom. We broke in through a gate that was locked but had a wide enough space for us to squeeze through. Hehe rebels we are. Anywho, here are some pictures from our grand endeavor!

Orthodontist

Ugh :/ The orthodontist. They added three brackets, tightened the wires, and adjusted the chain. Ouchness. That's alright, though. I am precariously(is this a word?) munching on a burrito...with a fork. But you know, I deal. :)

On the upside, I got patriotic colors for the upcoming fourth of July :D

But then again, I just can't wait until my pearly whites shall be unveiled and a beautiful smile is in their place! And hopefully that'll be before high school graduation :/

Conflicted

As I was lying(laying? it's lying right, I'm pretty sure I listened to a Grammer Girl podcast on this very subject) in bed patiently impatiently waiting for sleep to steal me away, trillions(exaggeration time) of thoughts bombarded my mind. One of them being, what's going to happen years from now when I'm say twenty six with a loving husband and one baby girl, perhaps two, and I can't remember a single memory from my teen years? Now that'll just be horrifying. So, to prevent any such predicament, I am recording my daily activities in several different sources. That way, there's bound to be some history left behind for when I reach my golden ages. How much fun will that be to relax in my future bed in my future house while my future husband is gardening(muahaha) and my future children are afternoon napping, while I am reading my blogs and journal entries from the previous decade! Ahh, unedited and exactly the way I had originally noted them down. Because I want my future self to be able to have a clear and accurate grasp of who exactly I was at age fourteen, soon to be fifteen, I have left even the most private, juiciest, depressing confessions somewhere in my journal, my blote nog on my ipod touch memo options, or on this page. I'm not cheating myself out of an opportunity to understand who I was, rather than who I wish I could be.

Due to the recent depressing and downer-of-a-post season I recently underwent, I have changed the settings so only one or two days/posts will be on the home page. My hope is that readers(if only I had some...) would be too lazy to scroll to the bottom of the page and click "older posts". Just because I mentioned that, they're probably all going to do so. Whatever, can't erase the past, can I? Technically I can just delete those posts, but if I even considered that, I'd have to redirect myself to the paragraph above where I stated exactly why I don't want to do that.

Wow, I'm so sorry for this incredibly disheveled post. It's absurd and repulsive, am I wrong? The lack of a system here. But then again, this is who I am and I'm not editing one word of this for the sakes of whateverness. Now, I've just gotten lazy.

So, if any loner just so happens to pass by my blog on any random day and happens to read this on any random day, maybe a Tuesday(?sometimes i make no sense), would they give me an opinion on whether I should start a new blog page for venting or for other subjects to discuss on my blog? Or will that just get too tedious, even though my goal is to be organized. HA. Look at me now. Real organized, eh? Whatever, just whatever. You know. I'll start one and if I don't like, I'll just stop posting on it. Also,this blog is close to 600 posts! Yes, the excitement is unbearable. As is the disorganization. Ugh, as you can probably tell, I am conflicted in more ways than one. Anywho, I'm off to practice decision making.

Self Discipline

Jesus Christ, I really need some. How am I supposed to get anywhere in life if I can't even consistently maintain a blogger page?! I disgust myself. But whatever, moving on.

Today wasn't bad, in retrospect. I saw Toy Story 3 with E today. In 3-D, too. Triple dimensions amuses me to no end. To anyone who has already seen, the three peas in a pod were killer adorable.

Other than that it was a pretty chill day. I have a great idea- how about I make an attempt to find friends on blogger and then get back all my viewers, yes?? Yes! Off I go. Please don't scoff at my patheticism. <--- not a word, I'm almost positive, and yet too lazy to double check. There's that lack of SELF-DISCIPLINE knocking on my door again.

Well

I feel utterly disappointed. Nothing a good night's sleep won't fix. Good night moon and sweet dreams.


E

Fresh Slate

I'm starting over. Lately, I've had nothing but negative words to offer. However, it is now summer time and I am putting the past behind me now. Moving on. I guess that also means I will have to take off my privacy options and make this blog public all over the internet again. The only reason I had it restricted in the first place was so that I could release some of my tensions without being judged.

I'll have to give this page an entirely new look because I can't help but remember the times before that had me feeling down for so long. But like I said, I'm starting over with a FRESH SLATE.

Summer Solstice

I love how it's the longest day of the entire year, and I spend eleven hours of it sleeping :/


E

So it's been a while. At least a month, I suppose. Technically I could check, but my laptop internet is down. I'm blogging via mobile text messaging.
What's been up with me these past few weeks? Well, the number of days leading up to summer vacay dwindled, and yet the homework/project/stress load continued to pile up before my eyes. I balanced my busy schedule and attempted to cling to my sanity.
Yearbooks came out and were very successful in my opinion :) made me rethink quitting. Finals went well, finished with all As, aside from fricken geometry, I got an A- stupid asian fail...
Now that it's summer, I finally have the chance to relax and gain back my senses. I'm learning the guitar, which is going great so far, and I'm starting a yoga and ballet class next week. In between seeing a bunch of friends, of course.
One week into summer, and so far so good.
Hopefully I'll be back within the next month

Things Have Been Bad

Real bad. I haven't been able to handle myself without having outrageously depressing thoughts. Just a phase? Teenage hormones? I can only hope. I don't know where to go from here. On the verge of summer and yet nothing is sinking in. Tears chase tears like nights chase days. Irreversible cycles repeating with no end. Good night to all, for there's nothing left to say.


E

There is a reason as to why I changed my privacy settings to only myself having permission to read my blog. My thoughts are too private, too pained, too real. Every bit of my emotions is far too incredibly real. I feel hurt all the time. I feel like there is nothing I can do to fill the voids that have carved pits all over the surface of my body. I'm lost and broken. Confused and frightened. I feign interest to the people I once considered my best friends when I would much prefer solitude. No, solitude is too weak a word. Everything is too this or too that. Solitude equals peaceful silence, but isolation is synonymous to perfection. And I can't help but strive perfection. It's one of my many flaws. I can't help but be the way I am. I am real. I am me. Without other eyes judging my words, I can reveal the wounds that have poisened my heart with grief. I can clean the pain with my tears. Here I am.

Why...

... Is it that whenever something good finally happens, the devil takes over and ruins it?


E

Have Faith

Or at least, that's what they say.

Like I briefly mentioned in last night's post, I am very hesitant when it comes to my religion. I was born and raised a Catholic(not on a playground, where some of you might have thought if you're catching my humor here), and my parents started taking me to regular weekly masses.

I've never payed any attention, except for a few select times when the topic was particularly intruiging and whatnot, but I found it difficult to devoulty listen to the Father preach to me ideas that I either didn't care about or I didn't believe in.

When I was enrolled in classes after to school for confession and communion, I was a bright student who always filled up the back of my index card with Good Job stickers. I learned the material, but was there any passion behind what I absorbed?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not showing any disrespect to the religion or any of it's followers, a d especially not to their holy figures like the Virgin Mary, Jesus, or God. I would never. I have the utmost respect and even a little fear for their power, because I have always had no doubts that they truly exist/ed.

But my issue here is that all my life I have been devoted to Catholicism, but I cannot honestly say that I am happy this way. It gives me no sense of inner peace or discipline. For the past few years after realizing this, I have tried to convince myself that I am just confused and that over time, I will accept my faith and be a pious individual. However, that feeling has yet to arrive. I even wore religious jewelry to publicly prove my devotion, and I went through a period where I recited daily the prayers of the Rosary.

But now that I'm just beginning to search for who I truly am, I am positive that having a solid faith in something is a pillar that I cannot deprive myself of, for it may be the only support I'll have at one point. Which is why I have been seriously contemplating beig a Catholic and whether I feel strongly enough in sacrificing myself to its laws.

Recently, I have been studying Buddhism and have discovered that naturally, I have believed many of the ideas and concepts that it highlights. Reincarnation, nirvana, and karma being the three main ones that often come to mind. I checked out a few books from the library on various Buddhist topics, including the history, the reality, the laws, the spiritual journey, and all that being a Buddhist entails.

But here's a quick side note that is constantly percolating around in the back of my mind. As a fourteen year old, am I even mature enough to decide what religion I belong to? Sure, I'm old enough to have opinions and back them up, but having a faith is generally a life long sensation that doesn't change too often. So here's the whole point I'm trying to convey, what faith do I have, where I am going with my faith, is Buddhism the religion for me or is it just the current trend, and how mature am I to make these decisions on my own?

Just a thought.

Elley.

Here's My Problem

I am pretty sure that I know what my problem is. Problem being, source of unhappiness.

Well, maybe not that dramatic. But what I'm saying is an explanation as to why I don't express myself through this blog as much as I should. It's because I am far too lazy. I start projects, and then I never finish them!

Last night in bed, my mom and I may down next to each other and discussed topics about life and society until half past two in the morning. About the difference between profit and sales, the gas prices, my life purpose, my friends, my cat, the amount of doubt I have in my religion, my quirks and flaws and talents. The list is endless.

But what hit me the hardest was this: what am I going to do with my life?
I honestly have no clue. I'm still young, a freshman in high school, but before I know it, college will be here and then i'll be forced to make a decision and set myself on a course that will alter the rest of my life.

I don't have many superb talents. I can write. I take pictures. I'm good at giving advice. I have crafty fingers. But nothing STANDS OUT about me. There is nothing specific that I have a true passion for. And it's very painful that I'm so lost and clueless. I need someone to help me and guide me and give me a nudge here and there. Any takers?

Sigh....

Don't bother answering.

E

Dear Life,

Thanks for listening. Finally. Two GREAT days in a row.

Dear Life,
Stop being so unpredictable. I can't handle the pressure nor am I able to overtake every challenge you throw at me.
The week started out bearable, and even a tad bit optimistic, as if there was nothing to truly worry about. I enjoyed the ride until yesterday, Thursday. That's when everything starting going downhill. Literally, too, since the day before was Hump Day...
Anyway. Yesterday in dance, you didn't give me the chance to learn the new choreography I missed the week before. Shouldn't it be alright if I happen to make a couple of mistakes while I'm still learning?
By the way, thanks for letting my thermor spill in Mrs. Grooms' classroom. I left hungry, sad, and irritable, considering it was at least the third time that had happened.
I am grateful that you put me with complete strangers for my star test speech. *sarcasm* Great. Just great. I don't even know who to look for.
TGIF

Talk About Impressive.
I managed to get through the entire school day without something physically and/or mentally scarring.
Anyway, I realized something today. Just now, to be honest. Blogging offers so many benefits, and I would be a fool not to continually post on here. Whenever I'm looking for a topic to discuss. I automatically go through the day's events in my head and reflect on the positives and the negatives. For instance, I'm grateful for not answering number 17 outloud in math class, but I am sad that I have to present on Friday to my peers about Star Testing. If I didn't have a blog to keep up, I wouldn't have given those miniscule details a second thought. This way I stay in touch with my inner self and inner chi and whatnot...

Dear Blogger,

I would like to compliment you on your mobile blogging service, for I have finally taken the time to investigate and register as a new member. After sending a test text through, I am pleased to say that I was not at all disappointed. Speedy and accurate delivery. Now that's what I call customer service! Surely there is no excuse for me not to post regularly, no matter what I say! I could post anywhere from in line at the grocery store to in line at Disneyland! Once again, I am grateful to have found your mobile blogging option, and I assure you that I will take full advantage of its features.

With gratitude,
E.

TESTING!!! This is an official test to see if my new mobile blogging system works. I will be so incredibly pleased if it is. After I hit send on my phone, I am off to check my blog.

Toodles.

Thank You

For such a lovely week. Today, choir sang at Disney Hall with 900 other students from 23 different schools. What an amazing experience. We sang Dirait On (spelling?) while the composer accompanied us on the piano, and we had guest conductor(forgot her name, yes I do feel bad). You should google the Disney Hall Chorale Festival... Just so this post is more personal.

Tomorrow I am sleeping in and then going to Malissa's birthday partay, which leaves the academic stuff for Sunday, like usual. What a good upcoming weekend.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be going now to watch Mary Poppins for the first time ever. But thanks to the District Choir Festival from Wednesday, I do know all the songs. Let's go for a jaunty saunter...